Monday, January 4, 2016

Monday Musical Offering: the demise of a good product edition

Ten years ago...

Me:  Hey, you know that album, the LP from Argentina that my parents bought back in the sixties, that I uploaded...could you play the b-side of that?

iTunes:  Sure.  Here ya go.

Five years ago...

Me:  Hey, I feel like some Beethoven, a piano sonata...I forget what I have.  Can you give me a list?

iTunes:  Sure.  Here ya go.

Me:  Swell.  Could you put the Arrau album on my iPod, and play the Barenboim Op. 10 No. 2 on the speakers?


(Me:  Turns off "visualizer")

(Later) Me:  Hey, could you play that Arrau album?

iPod:  Sure.  Here ya go!

Me:  Wait, what?  The rondo is the last movement, not the second!

iPod:  I just thought you might like to hear it shuffled around, y'know, mix it up, keep it loose...

Me:  Pretty sure Beethoven had some strong ideas about that.


Me: Hey, I'm just in the mood for some Chopin, but I don't know what.  Can you give me a list of what I have?

iTunes:  Uh, no.  Nope.

Me:  What?!?

iTunes.  Hey, easy piano-boy.  Here's pictures of all the albums.  No list, sorry.

Me:  But I don't remember what's on all these albums.  Now I have to click on each one to see.

iTunes:  A good opportunity to refresh your memory!

Me:  Feh.  Could you play the Rubinstein Mazurkas, and put that Davidovich LP that I got years ago on my iPod?

iTunes:  Rightyroonie!  Done and done!

Me (some time later, out in the middle of the field):  Hey iPod, let's have some music.  That Davidovich LP would be swell.

iPod:  What?  I don't have such a thing.  Could I interest you in the Apple Radio?

Me:  ?!?!?!  iTunes said you have it.

iPod:  There's a place for it, but it's not there...say, you couldn't happen to move to a place with better phone reception?

Me:  I put it on there!  I saw it!  Wait...what's all this other stuff here...U frickin' 2?!?!  I didn't put any of this on!

iPod:  Can I interest you in anything that you bought from the iTunes store?  Lots of good stuff from the iTunes store.  Yessir, that iTunes store stuff is goooood, even the stuff you didn't buy, the free downloads from no-name bands that we tease you with.

Me:  What do you have on here, for real, not just a place there any of that Chopin I loaded?

iPod:  Well, can't tell you if there's any Chopin here, no way to list by composer.  But, um,  Apple Radio is really good too!  And you can listen to our Classical station, which might play Chopin.  Apple Radio, good.

Me:  Gagh, I just want to play my LP of Bella Davidovich that I bought in 1982!

iPod:  Gee, did you mean "Bella and the Bulldogs," the teen TV series?  I can stream some videos, you know.  Just sign in...

Me: #@^%!!!

(Later, having forced iTunes to put my album on the iPod)  Me:  OK, it's there, and I know it and you know it.  Please, please play Bella Davidovich's recording of the Chopin Preludes.

iPod:  Please sign in using your Apple ID.

Me, grumbling:  OK, but for what, this is my damn album!

iPod:  OK, ok,  cool...hey, by the way, do you "like" this track?  Care to rate it?

Me:  Yes, I like it, which is why I asked you to play it.  However, I don't "like" it.  I don't like-in-quotes anything.  And what's it to you?

iPod:  Well, I have a lot of music I can sell you, and if you let me know what you like, I can sell you more?  I'm on commission here.  Let me just switch you over to the iTunes store here...

Me:  Just play the Chopin!  Chopin!  Want!  Not!  Buy!  Play! MY! Chopin!

iPod.  OK, just a sec...Oh, you've signed in, but you'll need to enter the code I've sent to another device.

Me (after calling the Real Doctor, who got a text):  943733

iPod:  And your credit card?

Me: (Primal scream)

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